


With Every Beat of My Heart

by Niki



Series: Hurt/Comfort Sequence [7]
Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Major Illness, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-08 12:00:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/761082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Settling into their new lives is easy until Lewis gets a reminder of his age.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With Every Beat of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Major illness of canon character, brief bad reaction of a loved one to coming out, institutional homophobia
> 
> Lewis Secret Santa story for Sarren in lewis_challenge.
> 
> Huge thank you to my Brit picker and beta lygtemanden for a last minute check.
> 
> The NHS website is my new best friend.

It's funny how easy it is. James has his own apartment but he rarely spends any time there anymore. His guitar was one of the first items that moved, and many of his books followed, so many in fact that Robbie consented to him buying a shelf for them. There is plenty of room in the closet for his clothes, and his albums co-exist peacefully with Robbie's record collection. 

There is no pretence if someone should visit – James' toothbrush stays in the same mug as Robbie's, his razor and contacts openly in the bathroom; two sets of breakfast things left unwashed in the sink in the mornings when they are in a hurry.

James stops at his own home to check the mail and dust his books, occasionally sitting down to read, but, unable to concentrate, makes his way back home soon enough. 

Home. Home is a bloke old enough to be his father, who snores and is too set in his ways. But also someone who finds it easy to share again, after doing it for most of his life, the ten or so years alone an easily forgotten aberration. Someone who smiles with his eyes and calls him 'pet' in a soft, soft voice, and where some might find it off-putting to be called the same name as your lover's daughter, James only feels warmth. For him, the word means family.

Work comes home with them, that's inevitable. Hard enough when on your own but near impossible to avoid when you have someone to talk to. They have to force themselves to let go, some nights, to just relax and watch something stupid on the telly just to turn their brains off.

Of course, there is another way of doing it, and somehow watching stupid TV often turns into making out on the sofa like teenagers, which is beyond ridiculous because neither one of them is one, and James has never had as much sex in his life, and aren't older people supposed to be past it?

Not that he is complaining. Oh no. He has never enjoyed it as much, either, because he has never trusted anyone as much as he trusts his Robbie. And there is something to be said about decades of experience. 

Sometimes he misses the soft curves of women, true, but so does Robbie so that is okay. And sometimes, maybe, he thinks of firmer skin and unlined faces, but that never lasts long because no one has ever touched him like that, scorching through his skin into his heart.

One thing that takes time is getting used to touching without sex. They have to be so careful in public it took some time to relax at home, at first kissing and hugging are only something that happens before, after or during sex. But it turns out James enjoys it. He finds himself missing the warm presence by his side, and, gradually, touching becomes more casual.

Vegetating on the sofa watching stupid TV means cuddling on the sofa watching stupid TV which then often turns into something else but not always, not necessarily, and some nights James wakes up, Robbie snoring softly against his ear, his head resting on Robbie's shoulder, and he has to turn off the the telly and get them both to bed, to sleep. 

They do not talk about love, future, or what they are doing. Love is present in everything they do and say, in affectionate looks as well as the exasperated ones, both at home and at work. Future is there when James finds himself giving away things they have in double, and in Robbie mentioning things they might do next summer, next year, when he is retired. 

Retirement isn't discussed either, it's just something that looms in the distance. One day, yeah, they will have to deal with it but that will be then. Before that they have crimes to solve, murderers to catch, and paperwork to fill in.

The weird feeling in James' gut may be happiness, but he feels more comfortable in admitting to contentment. If his sappy smile speaks its own language then at least Robbie doesn't seem to mind, and his smile is bright enough when aimed at James.

\- - -

"What are you looking at?" Robbie asks, taking his eyes off the TV screen only to find James looking at him, his book lying forgotten on his lap.

"You."

"Yeah, I know. Do I have broccoli in between my teeth?"

"Why would you have broccoli in between your teeth? You had a curry."

Robbie just stares at him pointedly, and James grins, unrepentantly.

"Fine, have it your way. I'm going to turn in."

"I'll be with you in a bit," James replies, turning his eyes on the book.

"All right. Night." 

James lifts his face to get his kiss good night, and Robbie leans down to touch his lips with his own, no longer feeling self conscious about the gesture. James smiles the happy little smile he wears more and more often these days, and Robbie touches his cheek lightly with his fingers. 

"I love you," he says, just because, the words coming easier every time he says them.

James' smile widens, and he covers his hand with his own. "Love you too."

\- - -

When Robbie wakes up James is already in bed with him. It's not morning, and it feels like he's only had a few hours of sleep. He only has a second to wonder why he woke up before the pain returns.

He gets up, gasping for breath, and his movement wakes up James who has been snuggled close to his side. As soon as the younger man realises he is sitting there gasping for breath he is up as well.

"Sir?" He still occasionally slips into the mode of address at home because that was his sole name for him for years. "Robbie?"

"Hurts," he gets out. "Like someone's sitting on my chest, can't breathe. And my arm... it's like it's on fire."

It only takes a moment for the symptoms to add up now that he has listed them aloud and he meets James' wide worried gaze. He made the connection too.

"I'm taking you to the hospital. Now." 

James is already off the bed and stripping off his pyjamas while he speaks, reaching for the nearest items – jeans, t-shirt, and Robbie stands up to change his own clothes.

"What are you doing? Sit down!"

"I'm not going there in my pyjamas!" 

"Then sit down and I'll help you change! Swear to God, Robbie, if you..."

Robbie is on the ground, words losing their form and meaning, drowned in the noise in his ears, and his eyes see only black. The pain is worse, now, and suddenly he is so scared he feels like he is drowning in it. 

James is still talking, but clipped, official sounding words, and he vaguely recognises the words "ambulance" and "now", then James' hands are on his neck, chest, wrist, and the blackness and pain take over.

\- - -

James has never been so afraid in his life. 

He's been at the hospital before, many times, both for work and for personal reasons, but never in the middle of the night, never without his shoes because he rode there in an ambulance with a man he loves.

And because they are not related, no one will tell him anything. Robbie never updated him as his point of contact so his info still only lists Lyn as his next of kin and... they'll call Lyn. He checks his pockets and realises he grabbed his phone with him. 

He doesn't have shoes but he has his phone. 

He scrolls through his contacts to find Lyn's number. He's had it, for emergencies, even before their relationship changed.

A sleepy voice answers his call faster than he expected. 

"It's James Hathaway, I'm your father's sergeant. There's been a... he had a heart attack.” 

Saying the words aloud make them more real, somehow, and he has to close his eyes before relaying the information of their location. “He's... they're not telling me anything. He's alive.”

She says she'll be there and hangs up. James rests the phone against his forehead for a minute before dialling again.

“Doctor Hobson? Laura? Robbie's... we're at the hospital. I think... I think he had a heart attack.”

That's not the official term, of course, but all he knows is that Robbie lost consciousness, and his heart lost its rhythm, and he had to perform CPR before the ambulance arrived. 

“They're not telling me anything,” he repeats to her, too, and tries to not sound pathetic.

“Pull the cop card,” Laura says. “That should scare them. I'll be there in a bit, I should know someone there.”

\- - -

Laura arrives in half an hour, and goes in search of someone she might know, or someone who might talk to a fellow doctor. James keeps staring at the wall, mind blank.

_Please don't take him, I'm not ready._

About three hours after his phone call Lyn arrives. He recognises her easily from all the photos he's seen, even though they haven't met yet. Robbie had talked about Christmas, of them meeting, of telling her about their relationship.

He wanted to do it face to face instead of over the phone, stressing that any new relationship of his could be resented by his kids, even if it wasn't with someone male, someone young enough to be his son.

“Any word?” Lyn asks, and James directs her to the nurses, standing back while she talks to them.

“He's sleeping,” she reports. “They're letting me in to see him. It's too early to say, but getting help fast is a good thing.”

James nods and sits back down. He tries not to resent her for being able to see him.

\- - -

When Lyn returns, she is visibly angry.

"I met a nurse I used to work with,” she says, nearly spitting the words out. “Nurses talk, you know.”

James can only stare at her.

"She was more than happy to tell me how he was found. Half dressed, with you in his bedroom."

"Yes."

"Is that all you're going to say?"

"Is this really important right now?"

"Yes! If you're shagging him to death!"

"We were not shagging!" he yells, then pauses, taking a deep breath. "We were sleeping, and he woke up and... it's not just 'shagging', we..." 

He closes his eyes against the hostility of the woman, knowing she is the most important thing in Robbie's life. 

"I'm sorry if you don't like it, but it is how it is and I..."

“What's going on?” Laura, appearing just at the right moment to save him.

“Nothing,” Lyn says, even though she obviously wants to say something else. Is she ashamed of her father? Or still trying to protect him, despite everything?

“Robbie hadn't had a chance yet to tell her about... us.”

“Oh. Well, I suppose the timing could be better. I talked to Doctor Patil. She thinks she can sneak you in to see him for a moment.”

“I saw him,” Lyn states. “He's sleeping.”

“I think James might feel better, seeing for himself that he's okay,” Laura says gently.

Lyn purses her lips but nods.

“Thank you,” James says quietly, even though her permission isn't really needed.

\- - -

Robbie looks... he looks old against the white sheets. But he's breathing, and the machine recording his heartbeat is reassuringly steady. 

James is afraid to touch him, even on the hand, knowing his presence is not really sanctioned officially. Still, he leans forward to place a soft kiss on his forehead. The skin is cool, dry, and he blinks back the tears that threaten to fall.

\- - -

Robbie doesn't know where he is when he wakes up.

“James?”

“Good morning,” says a cheery female voice from his left and he turns his head to see a woman in white.

He's in a hospital. That jolts the rest of the memories loose. “I had a heart attack,” he says, incredulous. 

“Nice diagnosis,” the woman says. “I'll get the doctor.”

The woman turns to leave.

“Wait! Where's James?”

“The man who came with you? I think he's still in the waiting room. He's... not family, is he?”

“He's my...” What is he? What is he, in here, to them? “He's family.”

“Would you... like to name him as your point of contact?” the woman asks almost hesitantly. 

“My what?”

“You know,” she says, smiling impishly. “Like next of kin but not 'official' family. For, you know, situations like...”

“Like ours. Yes, yes I would. I want him to be kept informed.”

The doctor tells him everything looks all right, and the prognosis is good after surviving this long after the initial infarction. He just nods and waits for a chance to ask about meeting James. If the foolish lad really spent the night there...

“I'll send him in,” she promises, and Robbie closes his eyes. 

Heart attack. That's something that happens to old people. That's how his own dad died. 

The door opens again and he opens his eyes to see James. He's dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and for some reason he has a pair of disposable slippers on. He looks young and scared.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," James replies, smiling very slightly, his eyes still scared.

"I'm okay."

"Yes. And you're going to stay okay."

“If it's up to me,” he promises, then leans his head back in an obvious invitation for a kiss.

James' smile widens, and he leans into comply.

“You scared the hell out of me,” he says, sitting down next to the bed and holding on to his hand.

“Wasn't exactly a picnic for me either,” Robbie admits.

“Lyn will be happy to see you awake.”

“Lyn?”

“She arrived last night. She's having breakfast at the moment, she'll be upset that she missed this.”

There's something off about James' tone. 

“What is it?”

“She... found out about us through hospital gossip,” James admits. “It's okay. We're okay. We've been... talking. Laura says hi, too.”

“Laura's here too?”

“Of course. Innocent sends her love.”

“Somehow I doubt that.”

“Well, something entirely proper, then.”

\- - -

After Robbie lives through the first 24 hours, the discussion turns from survival to recovery. James is present for most of the discussions, and attacks the provided literature like there's going to be a test.

Robbie seems subdued, but James is prepared for that too, thanks to all the leaflets and web pages. He'll be damned if he's letting Robbie get depressed.

"I'm going to quit smoking," he says, determinedly. "And you are going to start eating more healthily. And we are going to start exercising more." 

"James..." 

“We can't do anything about your gender or age, and you're not actually overweight, so we're going to work with what we can change.”

“James.”

James shuts up, knowing that when Robbie uses that tone he has something important to say.

"Maybe it's time for you to cut your losses," he says, and for the moment James is confused.

"What do you...?"

"I'm old, and you are... not," he says with a resigned tone. "We always knew I was going to die before you but this just brought it closer to the surface, and I..."

"No." His voice is so determined Robbie leaves the sentence unfinished. 

"I know you are older than me, and I did think of it. I did think of the implications before we... of course I did. I'm not stupid. But I – love – you," he says, pointedly. "And what ever years I can have with you I _will_ have them." He is stressing every word, desperate for the older man to understand how deeply he means them. 

"I _will_ quit smoking. And you _will_ start eating better. I will _not_ lose you any sooner than I have to."

He is pressing Robbie's hand so forcefully it has to hurt but he'll be damned if he's going to be dumped from the sick bed.

"Okay," says Robbie, consoling. "Okay."

"Okay? No more talk of this nonsense?"

"Promise."

He must look sceptical because Robbie goes on. "Do you think I _want_ you to go?"

"Could have fooled me," he says, sullenly.

"I'm just trying to think what's best for you."

"Well, you obviously suffered from oxygen deprivation to the brain because you're making no sense."

\- - -

Not all of the talks are so heavy. James entertains Robbie with their new diet restrictions while Robbie goes through some simple exercises in his hospital bed.

“We have to eat more fish. And no, fish and chips don't count.”

“Horrible.”

“And you have to limit your alcohol intake... wait, what? You are not allowed to exceed the recommended limits for a day but the limits still allow you up to two pints of beer, four glasses of wine or four shots. Every day.”

That makes Robbie laugh, as they seldom exceed that anyway.

“Okay, maybe this won't require that many drastic changes.”

\- - -

“Innocent wants to know when you're coming back to work,” Laura says by the way of greeting. “Everyone else sends their love.”

“As soon as they'll spring me,” Robbie says.

“In a few weeks,” says James, who has actually been listening to the doctors. “Light duties, office work.”

“Ah, paperwork. That is bound to encourage you to work hard on your recovery,” Laura predicts, smiling wickedly.

“Everyone is going to use this as an excuse to boss me around, aren't they?” Robbie complains. “Lyn is talking about early retirement.”

“Isn't she a bit young?” Laura asks, smirking.

“For me.”

“What would your prettier half do without you?”

“Pine away,” James replies, deadpan. 

“You two are not as amusing as you think,” Robbie grumbles, but with a smile threatening at the corners of his mouth.

“Speaking of Lyn,” Laura turns serious. “How is she about... all this?” She makes a gesture to encompass both he and James.

“Getting better,” Robbie says. “We talked on the phone again this morning, and she actually asked how James was doing.”

“And he told her I am bossing him around mercilessly, and she didn't even take it seriously.”

“Some daughter. You _do_ boss me around mercilessly.”

“I made him go meet a physiotherapist,” James explains to Laura.

“Horrible, unfeeling man,” she admits.

“I know,” James agrees with a sad expression and Robbie finally loses the fight against the smile.

\- - -

When they finally let Robbie out of the hospital he gets exhausted just walking from the car to the apartment. It makes him downcast again.

“It's your first day out,” James tries to console him. “And you did walk back under your own steam after leaving on a stretcher.”

“But it'll be days if not weeks until I can return to work at this rate.”

“Then it will be.”

“You'll run out of vacation days.”

“Then I'll go back to work and you can have dinner ready for me when I come back.”

“I can't even drive!”

“You could, but they do recommend waiting for the full four weeks.”

“Yeah, to see whether I'm about to croak,” Robbie grumbles.

He is a little nervous about the 28 days limit – all the literature says that if he survives that long after the infarction, his chances of living for years longer grow. 

The same month is the recommended break to take from driving, and also usually the time when myocardial infarction patients are allowed to have sex again, provided that he can climb stairs without getting out of breath or experiencing chest pains. He's happy he didn't have that conversation in the hospital but read it from a leaflet. It was enough that everyone there knew that James is his partner, talking about it would have been too much.

It's not like he's ashamed but James is quite a bit younger and... and it's not the sort of thing you talk about in public, is it.

\- - -

He's overjoyed on the day he finally gets to go back to work. Innocent has kindly kept James working on light duties as well so that he was spared having to watch his sergeant work with another detective. 

It might also have gotten awkward, trying to explain their living arrangements. It's not the first time a sergeant has bunked in the spare room of his governor, and they have a good reason for it, too, in that Robbie might still be considered to need a keeper but still. He's just happy if they can keep their changed status under the wraps at work. For his sake, he doesn't care, but it might harm James' career.

\- - -

Two days of light duties later, Robbie can't remember why he was in such a rush to get back to that. Give him a juicy murder any day over processing expenses.

\- - -

It's been a few weeks since he came back to work, and Robbie is ready to return to his normal duties. He's feeling better every day, and they are keeping to their new health regime, including the required amount of exercise, and okay, it isn't as bad as it could be, walking with James. Even if the lad tries to get him to jog.

And James hasn't smoked one cigarette since he came out of the hospital.

The doctors are hopeful that he walked out of the whole experience without any long-term issues, with his heart undamaged, and that he should have many years of active life left. He looks at James, by his side as ever, with his work face on, and can't help but smile.

"You know, I just walked the stairs up here. All three stories of them."

James turns to look at him, mind already on work.

"And I'm not out of breath."

The smile that is his only reply is the wide, goofy, happy one he never sees in public, and here it is, here they are, at work, and all that love and happiness visible on James' face for everyone to see. What is he to do but to return the smile, because he is back, this is his life, and James is there to share it with him.


End file.
